bongacams
Hero Member
As I said, I have been at this for about 3 weeks. And in the process of trying to learn how to work it in front of the camera, I have also been trying to figure out who I am in terms of my camera persona.
Well, more than just a persona, but where I am coming from on a real level, too. Certain things just make me feel creepy and gross, despite how I wish they didn't. Getting down and dirty in a private show with someone who just messages and offers me money just feels icky. And I am sure I am not alone in feeling grossed out by a barrage of comments like TITS ASS SHOW PUSSY being hollered over and over.
Any expressions of sexuality for me, in the real world or virtual, are not purely visceral responses to primal urges. They are a gift, an expression of my creative essence, something to be shared. Like, I have always been vibrantly sexual, and have been told time and again that I exude sexuality in the ways that I interact, move, talk, dress...but in such a way that it is unintended, natural...and honestly, something about which I am not even aware. When a guy or girl is checking me out, or outright flirting with me, I swear to God, I don't even register it until it is pointed out to me. Being a Camgirl has been a surprising and liberating experience for me, insomuch as becoming aware of my sexual energy and how it flows out and affects others has been really positive. Because, for me, a variety of things are sexy that oftentimes have little to do with physical attributes. Intelligence, brilliance, a way with words, turns me on. Tenderness and gentleness in men turns me on. Men who are kind of shy and awkward, kind of geeky, introverted and in need of having their inhibitions freed, of embracing excitement and joy. I like to draw them out of their shells. I like to feel like I am pleasuring them not only physically, but in a whole-person way... that I am making them feel ecstasy inside and out.
And so, my favorite encounters with customers are always the ones that are a little more personal, so to speak. Like the guy who told me he had just gotten back from serving in Afghanistan, and just needed release. The guy who told me that he was going through a terrible break-up and my show was really making him feel better. The Iraq veteran who shyly, timidly worked up the courage to share with me details of a fetish that he'd been fascinated by and wanted to observe. The guy who insisted that he tip me for my public show, and when I offered to perform whatever actions he desired, he declined, saying that I'd already done enough, and deserved a tip.The sweet, funny guy who was obviously overweight in real life but spent several hours helping to "train" me in techniques and dress since he had been around for a number of years and sort of knew the ropes; when I offered to compensate him with a free show or a share in any tips that I made, he declined, saying that I was an awesome girl, and he was just glad to help me. These are the men who tell me that they hope my husband knows how lucky he is to have me. And I feel like it is a compliment not just about my body, but also their appreciation for the sexiness of my personality and other attributes.
What do y'all think of this? The compulsion I experience toward these types of experiences kind of concerns me, because connecting with customers in such a way that provides them with an illusion that we are truly friends, and that there is potential for more clearly can spell trouble, serious trouble. Each of these guys have asked for my number, my name, for texting, for in-real-life meet-ups, despite the fact that I made it very clear on my profile that under no circumstances will this ever happen, that I am a figment of their imagination, a dream girl, and nothing more. Sometimes, after they have asked and I have pointed this out, later in the experience, some even ask again.
And I am left to wonder... does this mean that I am doing well, in building a clientele base, that by providing the illusion that I am "available" (albeit unintentionally) they will continue to come back for more? Or does it mean that I am unintentionally filling them with false hopes that could lead, in the instance of the wrong person, to stalking, to relentless attempts to hunt me down...am I potentially setting myself and others up for hurt?
But I just want to talk with you all about the reality that this is where my heart is, and what I should do about it, basically. How I should tailor it. I feel like this inclination has potential to be crafted into something both lucrative and positive for myself and others...but I am not sure what boundaries to set, basically.
I am the type of person in real life that wears her heart on her sleeve. Maybe not only my heart, but perhaps my entire soul. Lol. I am not someone with a myriad of social acquaintences with whom I do fun things, but a small number of very deep, intimate friendships where we become more like sisters. And in terms of guy friends...I've never been able to have guy friends. Friendship begins, but then they always fall in love with me and want more. And my inability to give them more has always lead to frustration and heartache for us both.
And in real life...I have had lots of sex with a variety of partners, but I have never been able to have casual sex. Each time, I am left with the illusion of having "feelings" for the other person, a desire for connectedness and intimacy. I haven't been able to switch this off in real life; as such, my husband and I have come to the mutual conclusion to become poly, but in a context of polyfidelity, so to speak... seeking not only two women for sexual adventures, but rather, to build relationships with...to become not just naughty playtime buddies, but sister wives.
This is just how I roll, and I have come to the point of knowing that I have to accept it for what it is, work within the context of it, and in terms of being a camgirl, figuring out how to learn to use it for maximum profitability and providing positive experiences.
This is why I wrote on my profile on Cam4 that I offer a discount to military men...because I feel that they are suffering more than most, with the high rates of suicide and the low rates of those who seek help despite suffering from PTSD due to what they saw and experienced in combat. I feel that they are more deserving than anyone I can imagine to be the recipients of all that I have to give, to hope that I am perhaps not merely helping them to achieve orgasm, but perhaps, at least for a stolen moment, giving them a sense of peace, of contentment, of release from that which lives in their mind constantly. You know what I mean? And if any of them wanted to just talk, I totally would listen, for as long as I was able. Because I am a lovely, sexy, kind and sympathetic illusion who only listens and doesn't judge, offering genuine sweetness and validation from within the overtly sexual context...a kind of erotic empathy.
I have not acted on any of this directly, but clearly, the compulsion inside me desires to be somewhat of a "sexual therapist" (and I am not a trained therapist), to seek to offer myself in terms of personality and spirit in lieu of body alone, to seek not merely to help them achieve orgasm, but within the build-up and achievement of orgasm, a hope that perhaps in some small way, I am helping them to heal.
Am I insane to feel this way? I wish I didn't. But this is the spot in which I feel the most at peace and the most compelled to want to come back for more, when an encounter arises which I feel is based on this energy. My husband pointed out that this might be the very reason that I haven't been tipped a lot... because instead of being a tantalizing seductress, I am coming across as the girlfriend they wished they had or the one they are currently cheating on by default, or the way their wife used to be before things changed and they were driven to seek sexual gratification elsewhere...and they don't want to be reminded of this, that they want a sexual goddess, not the girl next door.
I don't know. What do you all think? Because of this deep desire, am I just not cut out for camgirldom? Or can I craft it to be useful? Or perhaps there are places out there that specifically cater to men in such ways as I have described. Has anyone ever worked as an "imaginary girlfriend"? You know, where you're paid like $200 a month or maybe more to send letters, create a persona profile and post on Facebook walls, et cetera? I would kind of like to offer those services for a substantial fee. But again... I don't want to invite trouble. In real life, because of my authenticity, openness, and frendliness, I already attract troubled souls like a magnet. At bars, I am always the first to get up and dance with abandon, making it okay for others to so as well, and within 30 minutes, most everyone in the bar will be up and dancing without caring how they look, feeling totally free. And I will always make effort to talk to the wallflower guys, to try to draw them out into the crowd and get them to let go and have fun. I am frequently successful...yet, I've been followed to my car, followed out of the bars, and am always the one who the mentally ill weirdo comes right up to and invites me to go back to his apartment to watch Rancid videos. I've had several stalkers before, none dangerous thankfully, but fixated to the point that I've nearly had to get restraining orders. Like, severely lonely and troubled people take what I offer to a really inappropriate place, because they are desperate for companionship.
Well, more than just a persona, but where I am coming from on a real level, too. Certain things just make me feel creepy and gross, despite how I wish they didn't. Getting down and dirty in a private show with someone who just messages and offers me money just feels icky. And I am sure I am not alone in feeling grossed out by a barrage of comments like TITS ASS SHOW PUSSY being hollered over and over.
Any expressions of sexuality for me, in the real world or virtual, are not purely visceral responses to primal urges. They are a gift, an expression of my creative essence, something to be shared. Like, I have always been vibrantly sexual, and have been told time and again that I exude sexuality in the ways that I interact, move, talk, dress...but in such a way that it is unintended, natural...and honestly, something about which I am not even aware. When a guy or girl is checking me out, or outright flirting with me, I swear to God, I don't even register it until it is pointed out to me. Being a Camgirl has been a surprising and liberating experience for me, insomuch as becoming aware of my sexual energy and how it flows out and affects others has been really positive. Because, for me, a variety of things are sexy that oftentimes have little to do with physical attributes. Intelligence, brilliance, a way with words, turns me on. Tenderness and gentleness in men turns me on. Men who are kind of shy and awkward, kind of geeky, introverted and in need of having their inhibitions freed, of embracing excitement and joy. I like to draw them out of their shells. I like to feel like I am pleasuring them not only physically, but in a whole-person way... that I am making them feel ecstasy inside and out.
And so, my favorite encounters with customers are always the ones that are a little more personal, so to speak. Like the guy who told me he had just gotten back from serving in Afghanistan, and just needed release. The guy who told me that he was going through a terrible break-up and my show was really making him feel better. The Iraq veteran who shyly, timidly worked up the courage to share with me details of a fetish that he'd been fascinated by and wanted to observe. The guy who insisted that he tip me for my public show, and when I offered to perform whatever actions he desired, he declined, saying that I'd already done enough, and deserved a tip.The sweet, funny guy who was obviously overweight in real life but spent several hours helping to "train" me in techniques and dress since he had been around for a number of years and sort of knew the ropes; when I offered to compensate him with a free show or a share in any tips that I made, he declined, saying that I was an awesome girl, and he was just glad to help me. These are the men who tell me that they hope my husband knows how lucky he is to have me. And I feel like it is a compliment not just about my body, but also their appreciation for the sexiness of my personality and other attributes.
What do y'all think of this? The compulsion I experience toward these types of experiences kind of concerns me, because connecting with customers in such a way that provides them with an illusion that we are truly friends, and that there is potential for more clearly can spell trouble, serious trouble. Each of these guys have asked for my number, my name, for texting, for in-real-life meet-ups, despite the fact that I made it very clear on my profile that under no circumstances will this ever happen, that I am a figment of their imagination, a dream girl, and nothing more. Sometimes, after they have asked and I have pointed this out, later in the experience, some even ask again.
And I am left to wonder... does this mean that I am doing well, in building a clientele base, that by providing the illusion that I am "available" (albeit unintentionally) they will continue to come back for more? Or does it mean that I am unintentionally filling them with false hopes that could lead, in the instance of the wrong person, to stalking, to relentless attempts to hunt me down...am I potentially setting myself and others up for hurt?
But I just want to talk with you all about the reality that this is where my heart is, and what I should do about it, basically. How I should tailor it. I feel like this inclination has potential to be crafted into something both lucrative and positive for myself and others...but I am not sure what boundaries to set, basically.
I am the type of person in real life that wears her heart on her sleeve. Maybe not only my heart, but perhaps my entire soul. Lol. I am not someone with a myriad of social acquaintences with whom I do fun things, but a small number of very deep, intimate friendships where we become more like sisters. And in terms of guy friends...I've never been able to have guy friends. Friendship begins, but then they always fall in love with me and want more. And my inability to give them more has always lead to frustration and heartache for us both.
And in real life...I have had lots of sex with a variety of partners, but I have never been able to have casual sex. Each time, I am left with the illusion of having "feelings" for the other person, a desire for connectedness and intimacy. I haven't been able to switch this off in real life; as such, my husband and I have come to the mutual conclusion to become poly, but in a context of polyfidelity, so to speak... seeking not only two women for sexual adventures, but rather, to build relationships with...to become not just naughty playtime buddies, but sister wives.
This is just how I roll, and I have come to the point of knowing that I have to accept it for what it is, work within the context of it, and in terms of being a camgirl, figuring out how to learn to use it for maximum profitability and providing positive experiences.
This is why I wrote on my profile on Cam4 that I offer a discount to military men...because I feel that they are suffering more than most, with the high rates of suicide and the low rates of those who seek help despite suffering from PTSD due to what they saw and experienced in combat. I feel that they are more deserving than anyone I can imagine to be the recipients of all that I have to give, to hope that I am perhaps not merely helping them to achieve orgasm, but perhaps, at least for a stolen moment, giving them a sense of peace, of contentment, of release from that which lives in their mind constantly. You know what I mean? And if any of them wanted to just talk, I totally would listen, for as long as I was able. Because I am a lovely, sexy, kind and sympathetic illusion who only listens and doesn't judge, offering genuine sweetness and validation from within the overtly sexual context...a kind of erotic empathy.
I have not acted on any of this directly, but clearly, the compulsion inside me desires to be somewhat of a "sexual therapist" (and I am not a trained therapist), to seek to offer myself in terms of personality and spirit in lieu of body alone, to seek not merely to help them achieve orgasm, but within the build-up and achievement of orgasm, a hope that perhaps in some small way, I am helping them to heal.
Am I insane to feel this way? I wish I didn't. But this is the spot in which I feel the most at peace and the most compelled to want to come back for more, when an encounter arises which I feel is based on this energy. My husband pointed out that this might be the very reason that I haven't been tipped a lot... because instead of being a tantalizing seductress, I am coming across as the girlfriend they wished they had or the one they are currently cheating on by default, or the way their wife used to be before things changed and they were driven to seek sexual gratification elsewhere...and they don't want to be reminded of this, that they want a sexual goddess, not the girl next door.
I don't know. What do you all think? Because of this deep desire, am I just not cut out for camgirldom? Or can I craft it to be useful? Or perhaps there are places out there that specifically cater to men in such ways as I have described. Has anyone ever worked as an "imaginary girlfriend"? You know, where you're paid like $200 a month or maybe more to send letters, create a persona profile and post on Facebook walls, et cetera? I would kind of like to offer those services for a substantial fee. But again... I don't want to invite trouble. In real life, because of my authenticity, openness, and frendliness, I already attract troubled souls like a magnet. At bars, I am always the first to get up and dance with abandon, making it okay for others to so as well, and within 30 minutes, most everyone in the bar will be up and dancing without caring how they look, feeling totally free. And I will always make effort to talk to the wallflower guys, to try to draw them out into the crowd and get them to let go and have fun. I am frequently successful...yet, I've been followed to my car, followed out of the bars, and am always the one who the mentally ill weirdo comes right up to and invites me to go back to his apartment to watch Rancid videos. I've had several stalkers before, none dangerous thankfully, but fixated to the point that I've nearly had to get restraining orders. Like, severely lonely and troubled people take what I offer to a really inappropriate place, because they are desperate for companionship.
