Flirt4Free
Sr. Member
I will keep this short. I was sexually molested all of my childhood, and this brought on a lot of issues during my teenage years and few first years of adulthood. I consider my camming work an extension of this abuse. Victims sometimes continue the cycle that was imposed on them by seeking to further hurt themselves. Some people do drugs, some people sleep with anyone they can, some people turn into alcoholics, prostitutes... I did a little of everything.
I now lay awake at night only feeling shame about myself. Sometimes the shame is so big it mutes everything else. I have a loving boyfriend, a daughter that also loves me, and I am finishing college... but I can't get over the fact one day in the future someone I love will see my videos. Specifically, my daughter. I am terrified. I regret camming so much. I can't believe I ever did it. I cry and cry... and I can't stop feeling shame about myself.
My boyfriend is the one that took me out of the business, simply by giving me a stable home where I could re-analyze my situation and see how it was making me feel. I told myself for the longest time that I was sooo happy camming. I loved it! I even convinced HIM that I loved it. Until I realized that I was deluding myself and actually hated it. I hated how people told me to do things that I didn't want to do and I didn't have the strength to say no. I had learned to always say yes from my childhood abuse, and I continued to abuse myself while camming. I go over all the degrading things that I did for a few $$$ and I stare at the ceiling just feeling this immense feeling of shame and disgust at myself. Sometimes I truly feel I can't live with all of the shame I carry inside. How would I ever explain the videos to my daughter? I see them posted on sites and, although they barely have any views, I know there is a real possibility of her seeing them.
Thanks to my boyfriend, I have started going to a psychologist to address my childhood abuse and everything that has happened since it (because of it). I would like to also find a forum where ex-camgirls that regret their decisions talk about it... but I can't find one. I see posts in different sites of girls that, just like me, where abused as children and now regret their work... but I can't find an actual forum. Does anyone know one? I need someone to understand what I am going through.
I now lay awake at night only feeling shame about myself. Sometimes the shame is so big it mutes everything else. I have a loving boyfriend, a daughter that also loves me, and I am finishing college... but I can't get over the fact one day in the future someone I love will see my videos. Specifically, my daughter. I am terrified. I regret camming so much. I can't believe I ever did it. I cry and cry... and I can't stop feeling shame about myself.
My boyfriend is the one that took me out of the business, simply by giving me a stable home where I could re-analyze my situation and see how it was making me feel. I told myself for the longest time that I was sooo happy camming. I loved it! I even convinced HIM that I loved it. Until I realized that I was deluding myself and actually hated it. I hated how people told me to do things that I didn't want to do and I didn't have the strength to say no. I had learned to always say yes from my childhood abuse, and I continued to abuse myself while camming. I go over all the degrading things that I did for a few $$$ and I stare at the ceiling just feeling this immense feeling of shame and disgust at myself. Sometimes I truly feel I can't live with all of the shame I carry inside. How would I ever explain the videos to my daughter? I see them posted on sites and, although they barely have any views, I know there is a real possibility of her seeing them.
Thanks to my boyfriend, I have started going to a psychologist to address my childhood abuse and everything that has happened since it (because of it). I would like to also find a forum where ex-camgirls that regret their decisions talk about it... but I can't find one. I see posts in different sites of girls that, just like me, where abused as children and now regret their work... but I can't find an actual forum. Does anyone know one? I need someone to understand what I am going through.
