Relationship and family problems affecting my performance

[beaks4]

I'm new to the cam business... not two months yet and having family/personal problems to deal with so can't cam enough as I would want.
Now my boyfriend and the problems in our relationship are affecting my mood when I cam. It's like a rollercoaster of negative emotions that make me perform poorly since I'm depressed by something that has been deeply disturbing me. I have began to question his true sexuality. I mean.... he has a girlfriend that goes online NAKED, that other men PAY MONEY to see, and he is just not interested or sexually aroused one bit (he has mod status in my Chaturbate room so he can go watch me whenever he wants) and yes, that question I had deep down "Is there a possibility he is gay and I just don't know it yet?" I just can't understand his lack of interest and it makes me sad how strangers show me more sexual reciprocity than he does. I was so depressed about it last night that I turned my self destructive mode on (one of my biggest problems in life) and I used drugs hardcore (I have had substance abuse and addiction problems in my past that I fight everyday to not relapse) and went on cam to hear some compliments to cheer me up, even if they are not real, even if its from men who don't give a fuck about me. Of course it was a disaster and a hot mess. I still got tipped and did well, but honestly I wasn't there to "work" as much as I was to feel better inside.
I'm dealing with constantly having to make huge efforts so my family doesn't find out what I'm doing to save money to move out, and the only person in my daily life who knows that I'm in this business is my boyfriend, he approves and likes that I'm doing good at it, so now I just feel emotionally drained and empty. I also have had anorexia since I was 15 and I fight everyday to eat and not fall into the eating disorder downspiral.
I have to cam even if I'm not well healthwise because the need for money to solve my life issues is so big and anguishing. I feel my mind and body collapsing and undermining my performance and work.
I'm thinking of just selling content for now.... I am having an erotic professional photoshoot on monday from one of my closest friend who is a well known recognized national photographer, we met when I used to do modeling years ago. Basically on monday I will have photographic content to sell for bunches. I'm also recording videos to sell when I'm done polishing them. Should I focus on content selling content more even if I'm new as a cam model in the meantime I put myself back together to cam again? Try other places as Streamate instead while things get better?... I'm so lost and just don't know what to do.

 

[sandysun]

Ok, My point form is for personal mental organization, and not meant to be condescending whatsoever.

1. You have indicated having emotional issues and insecurities that permeate beyond the scope of your camming. Those are your issues, and unless you find healthier ways to cope, you will be stuck in a cycle. I am saying this non-judgmentally, but empathetically. I have dealt with drug and alcohol abuse for most of My life, and the only thing that worked, was manually creating and sustaining a legitimately better sense of self.

2. Your bf may or may not be gay. Or it could very well be that he's in a point of saturation. Many couples who are in our line of work, but also those who do real-time sessions, will tell you that keeping your personal sex spark vivid, requires 10 times more effort. Especially since your bf works with you, he is managing the technical side, while probably looking at you as a product/service rather than his gf - which is natural. Having an overzealous/possessive man/woman/lover who works with you in any field is 100% more detrimental. He's prob. just pussied out, honestly. If how you fuck on cam replicates anything that you do with him in your personal time, he may begin to perceive it as disingenuous. Y'all prob. need to talk and reevaluate the style quality of sex you want to have with him, and your camclients, and how, if necessary, to keep them separate.

3. As a rule, you will see many of us comply with, we do not get on cam if we're not in the mindset, or able to get in that mindset. I've seen women and men have full breakdowns while streaming, and then vanish or come back, never regaining their composure. There are also those like Myself, who have no choice but to get on cam everyday as per My schedule. Because I've got several pots out, I have to water all of 'em to make My work viable. I too deal with depression and anxiety, and as a ProDomme, this is largely destructive to My business model. If you don't feel like you can get on cam but you have to, do things to rev. yourself up. Sit with a sundae and your fav. tunes playing in your room. Dance it out - I know it sounds weird, but I (and a few others I know) psyche ourselves up for work by tearing up a rug for about 10 minutes before we turn the cams on. Masturbate. Have a luxurious shower. Simple, seemingly innocuous things, can really boost your mood.

And in closing, try to reach out in this space (WCG) and on Twitter to other girls you can consider inspirational. Even if you can't Skype with them (And a lot of us do), send emails, tweet them...create a network of camsisters that you can give support to and draw from yourself.

Wishing you better luck & smiles!